The second stage is the anal-muscular stage of early childhood,
from about eighteen months to three or four years old. The task is to achieve a degree of autonomy while minimizing shame
If mom and dad (and the other care-takers that often come into
the picture at this point) permit the child, now a toddler, to explore and manipulate his or her environment, the child will
develop a sense of autonomy or independence. The parents should not discourage the child, but neither should they push. A
balance is required. People often advise new parents to be "firm but tolerant" at this stage, and the advice is good. This
way, the child will develop both self-control and self-esteem.
other hand, it is rather easy for the child to develop instead a sense of shame and doubt. If the parents come down
hard on any attempt to explore and be independent, the child will soon give up with the assumption that cannot and should
not act on their own. We should keep in mind that even something as innocent as laughting at the toddler's efforts can lead
the child to feel deeply ashamed, and to doubt his or her abilities.
And there are other ways to lead children to shame and doubt:
If you give children unrestricted freedom and no sense of limits, or if you try to help children do what they should learn
to do for themselves, you will also give them the impression that they are not good for much. If you aren't patient enough
to wait for your child to tie his or her shoe-laces, your child will never learn to tie them, and will assume that this is
too difficult to learn!
Nevertheless, a little "shame and doubt" is not only inevitable, but beneficial. Without it, you will develop
the maladaptive tendency Erikson calls impulsiveness, a sort of shameless willfulness that leads you, in later childhood and
even adulthood, to jump into things without proper consideration of your abilities.
Worse, of course, is too much shame and doubt, which leads to the malignancy
Erikson calls compulsiveness. The compulsive person feels as if their entire being rides on everything they do, and so everything
must be done perfectly. Following all the rules precisely keeps you from mistakes, and mistakes must be avoided at all costs.
Many of you know how it feels to always be ashamed and always doubt yourself. A little more patience and tolerance with your
own children may help them avoid your path. And give yourself a little slack, too! If you get the proper,
positive balance of autonomy and shame and doubt, you will develop the virtue of willpower or determination. One of the most
admirable -- and frustrating -- thing about two- and three-year-olds is their determination. "Can do" is their motto. If we
can preserve that "can do" attitude (with appropriate modesty to balance it) we are much better off as adults.